beyond

my life is

3PIZdU down

and once again

I don't know my way out and up.

I feel

like I am dizzy

in the bottom of

a well

with mountainous dirt walls encircling

and stretching upwards before me.

The light outside is a skyish blue tint and is adding to my frustration.

I am unaware and unattached to my surroundings and

I could die and I wouldn't know the difference.

My heart is almost emotionless.

to brea

I wanted to share something with you.
I want to run away.
I am tired of living this life.
I keep thinking I can escape it,
out run it.

My mind takes me to beautiful places
and this one is my favorite....

I am running,
jumping off the edge of a cliff,
freefalling into a waterfall
that drops into an eternity
before me.

There's something so soothing
when I finally hit the water
below me.
It envelops me with warmth and security
that overwhelms me and tingles through me
like nothing I've ever felt before.

THIS is how I view life - Yet my life is nowhere NEAR to this.

I haven't even taken that plunge yet.
I want to jump with all of my heart
first into it - the freefall of life.
Throw my arms back and
fall and fall.

As the air rushes past you,
as you've thrown yourself into life.
And when you've reached the end of it
you feel so complete and surrounded by comfort,
because you know that you've lived.

That is what I want.
What I am doing,
- this is not living.
It became apparent to me last night.
I can't bear it.
It will kill me
or
I will kill it.

I can't go to bed at night
because I try to out live this pain,
but no matter how hard I try,
the next day always comes.

My heart feels weighed down with poison
- lifelesness -
I don't want to sleep
because that means
another beginning
of another day
of not living.
i can't.
i want to run away,
i want to escape.
i need to
i have to