vertigo

to explain her would take years -
my life consists of half-hazard plans sketched out on napkins and crumpled paper,
promises that are made broken and good intentions that never come to pass.
this stage in my life is like an inferno, i'm trying to walk through this fire without
getting synged, and i'm failing.
i keep my spirits and my wit to keep the gravity of my mistakes from sending me into
vertigo

I am so excited today. I wish I could tell you why.
My skull is tired but I have this internal pleased pleasantness.

Life is a placement of one foot, the balance on one foot
on a staircase of air with the extremities of feigning deaths
crashing happily below on the cliffs of these apt failings.

I am to die tonight but all I can do is grimace a grin
in this happy delirium.

Excuse these commendations you take so plainly,
my heart cannot contain this utter bliss.
I love you so much. I must die trying to make you mine.

There is a part of me that craves excitement, the newness I seek in my life of routine and monotone screams of pain I have turned a deaf ear to, as backdrop music to this life I have become so accustomed to.
There is a part of me that believes in enriching the seeds I have sown, maintaining the friends I have made, building on the ever-possibilities of me life - here - the limit to which I have barely begun to explore, full of excitement and memories yet to be had.
I am torn at my heart between these worlds of change and possibilities I hold in the palms of my hands outstretched before my eyes, as beautiful crystal globes full of all that is life yet to be tapped, to be shaken, to be stirred into mine.

beyond

my life is

3PIZdU down

and once again

I don't know my way out and up.

I feel

like I am dizzy

in the bottom of

a well

with mountainous dirt walls encircling

and stretching upwards before me.

The light outside is a skyish blue tint and is adding to my frustration.

I am unaware and unattached to my surroundings and

I could die and I wouldn't know the difference.

My heart is almost emotionless.

to brea

I wanted to share something with you.
I want to run away.
I am tired of living this life.
I keep thinking I can escape it,
out run it.

My mind takes me to beautiful places
and this one is my favorite....

I am running,
jumping off the edge of a cliff,
freefalling into a waterfall
that drops into an eternity
before me.

There's something so soothing
when I finally hit the water
below me.
It envelops me with warmth and security
that overwhelms me and tingles through me
like nothing I've ever felt before.

THIS is how I view life - Yet my life is nowhere NEAR to this.

I haven't even taken that plunge yet.
I want to jump with all of my heart
first into it - the freefall of life.
Throw my arms back and
fall and fall.

As the air rushes past you,
as you've thrown yourself into life.
And when you've reached the end of it
you feel so complete and surrounded by comfort,
because you know that you've lived.

That is what I want.
What I am doing,
- this is not living.
It became apparent to me last night.
I can't bear it.
It will kill me
or
I will kill it.

I can't go to bed at night
because I try to out live this pain,
but no matter how hard I try,
the next day always comes.

My heart feels weighed down with poison
- lifelesness -
I don't want to sleep
because that means
another beginning
of another day
of not living.
i can't.
i want to run away,
i want to escape.
i need to
i have to